I miss having you as my default person. I was at the gym and reached for my phone like you were still the first person I’d text. Something tiny happened this afternoon and my first instinct was still to tell you. I’m trying to let the feeling pass without turning it into a reason to go backward.

You crossed my mind out of nowhere. Someone ordered boba near me and I remembered how seriously you judged everyone’s choices. I was at the diner while I was out and remembered a completely random conversation we had there. No hidden meaning here. Just one random memory from an old chapter. Apparently some habits take longer to fade.

I heard something good happened for you. I had been thinking about something completely unrelated, then suddenly there you were in my head. I found an old mug right before that, which probably didn’t help. Congratulations. I mean that with no weird history attached. You don’t have to answer. I didn’t think that would still get to me.

There’s one thing I still wonder about. I didn’t expect to say that today. I found an old T-shirt right before that, which probably didn’t help. Google Photos showed me something that pulled the memory forward before I was ready. You can be honest. I’d rather know than keep filling in the blanks. That’s really all.

I’ve changed in ways I wish had happened sooner. I finally learned how often I shut down instead of saying what I actually felt. It was such a small thing that I felt ridiculous for noticing it. I’m not claiming I’m suddenly perfect. I just understand myself better now. No pressure to respond. I almost ignored the feeling.

Honestly, I think this needs to be my last message for a while. I had been thinking about something completely unrelated, then suddenly there you were in my head. I saw tacos and immediately connected it to one of our stupid old routines. I care about you, but I need enough distance for something new to feel normal. That’s really all.

I heard things are rough with your family right now. I didn’t expect to say that today. I didn’t expect my reaction to be that immediate. I was at the ice cream shop when it crossed my mind, and the timing felt weirdly specific. You don’t owe me details. I just hope somebody is checking on you too. Anyway, I hope you’re okay.

I almost used the “wrong number” excuse to text you. I’m keeping this simple. It hit me on my drive home, which somehow made the whole thought feel more random. I was at the grocery store when it crossed my mind, and the timing felt weirdly specific. So here I am being direct instead, which is somehow more embarrassing. Anyway, I hope you’re okay.

You look happy. I found an old mug right before that, which probably didn’t help. I almost ignored it, then kept circling back to it anyway. I’m glad you seem okay, even if I’m not part of that life anymore. I just wanted to say it once. The timing made it feel even stranger. That probably sounds more dramatic than it felt.

I checked your page even though I knew I shouldn’t. You looked genuinely happy, and for once that didn’t make me feel angry. I was at the train station when it crossed my mind, and the timing felt weirdly specific. I think I’m finally learning that caring about you doesn’t require having access to you. That’s really all.